I wish my Autism would just disappear... (Personal Pain Piece)

Just to clarify, I DON'T want autism to disappear from the world, I just don't want ME to have it. It's not a superpower, at least for me, it's my downfall. I can't work because of it, I can't even do volenteer work because my anxiety makes me a liability. Relationships regardless of online or offline can't handle my level of meltdowns. I don't deserve love because of having my autism. I fully support and love my friends and family who do have it too, but I just cannot love or accept myself, because nobody else ever has. I'm in the middle of a big break down. I've been crying and running away. Trying to find peace in my life. I've broken my door. I hate it. I'm NOT a functional human being. I'm the puzzle piece that just doesn't fit to any puzzle. I don't expect anyone to understand or want to. In fact, most people seek to cure it. I would not want to cure any of my friends but I just want mine gone. I want to function, I want to have friends, I want to deserve love.